Managing grief is hard enough. However, grief and loss feel compounded around the holiday season. This year has been particularly brutal. With nearly 270,000 dead as a result of COVID-19, so many families are bracing themselves to face the holidays without a loved one.
The sense of permanence of a loss becomes very real when we realize we will never have the chance to wrap our arms around our departed parent, for example, when Christmas, Chanukah, or Ramadan rolls around. The only choice we have is to recall the time we spent with them and derive comfort from precious memories.
But memories very quickly start to feel like a temporary medium we can hide behind, like a child hides behind a curtain. But we are no longer children. We do not have the luxury to disappear for an extended period of time and bask in a world where time is immaterial.
The moments we steal for ourselves reminiscing about the good ol’ days comprise a very small chunk of borrowed time. Responsibilities pull us in every direction until duties and expectations are fulfilled. At the end, life has a way of beckoning us back to reality. It is not feasible to deny our time for those that are physically present in our lives in favor of those we can no longer see.
In a way, we find ourselves living a dual existence… smiling bravely while nursing our heartbreak in private. Coping with our grief feels even more overwhelming when we see joy everywhere else. In such a scenario, it is tempting to cancel the holiday altogether because we do not feel the need to pretend to be happy. Grief, loss, and the holidays simply do not mix. Grief does not take the day off no matter what time of year it is.
The truth is that no matter what we do, grief will linger in the background especially if the loss is fresh. It is not possible to avoid grief… it makes better sense to allow yourself to lean into it.
Tips for Coping with Grief during the Holidays
There are ways to deal with your loss on important days when the natural expectation is to feel joyous. I will discuss them below with the sincere hope that you, too, might derive some sort of comfort as you navigate what feels like a new and very vacant world without your loved ones.
Accept the fact that the first year will be different
The first tip for dealing with grief around the holiday season hinges heavily upon the acknowledgment that things will not be the same the first year. Therefore, there is no need to pretend that the loss is bearable. The pain of separation is permanent. There is absolutely no need to minimize it. There will be emotional stress involved, so plan in advance. Our tribe of supporters understand that too and do not expect a show of happiness.
Decide whether you want to participate actively in celebrations
Unless you’re up for it, you might want to pass hosting like you might’ve in the past. With COVID-19 restrictions, this year has naturally offered a pass to many. Some might view it as a silver lining. For others, not being able to meet up with friends and family to grieve their loss can compound their emotions. Again, we all grieve in different ways.
In a world without the virus, though, it would make sense to assess your energy level before deciding to take on any festive responsibilities.
Stay in touch
With Covid-19, many are unable to meet up physically. Thankfully, technology can prevent complete isolation. People can and should stay in touch via Facetime, Zoom, and Skype. It helps to share grief. Check on those who are suffering a major loss. Pull together in order to navigate the grief collectively.
Accept help
Again, this would apply to a pre or post-Covid world. Should you find yourself hosting a celebration, it is perfectly okay to accept help with the cooking, and decoration. If going out to the mall is something you still struggle with because it triggers memories, then rely on online shopping. The point, here, is to prevent yourself from getting overwhelmed. Your social support system will gladly rally around you to help you in every way possible.
Keep memories alive
If it feels alright to revisit and share memories with loved ones, then take the time to do so. Look at photo albums. Talk about the departed souls. But try to focus on celebrating the time you had with them. Be grateful for the memories you made together. A family I know is processing their grandmother’s passing by diligently compiling a book of her favorite recipes. I think that’s a remarkable idea.
New traditions
Some of the concrete steps you can take to virtually include your loved one in your celebration are listed below:
- Visit the cemetery and lay flowers on the grave site.
- Begin with a prayer to ease their journey in the next world. Dedicate a moment of silence.
- Write and share a poem or letter for your loved one.
- Light a candle in their memory.
- Place a commemorative ornament on the Christmas tree or dedicate one of the Chanukah candles to the deceased.
- Honor their memory with a bouquet of their favorite flowers on the dinner table. You might also want to leave an empty chair for them.
- Serve their favorite meals at dinner.
- Play their favorite music or watch a movie you enjoyed.
- Gather around to play their favorite boardgame.
- Display a slideshow of photographs on the television.
- Conversely, lay out photos in a prominent place like the kitchen island, for example, so people can walk around and look at them with fresh eyes. You’ll be touched by the heartfelt stories that they’ll share.
- Make a decorative quilt that showcases their favorite colors and symbols.
It doesn’t matter how you honor the memory of your loved ones. Everyone does things differently. The important thing is to remember.
Don’t pile guilt on top of grief
Allowing joy in does not mean forgetting loved ones. Your grief is jolting your soul enough. There is no need to pile guilt on top of your suffering if you experience fleeting moments of happiness. Everyone grieves differently. If you feel like decorating your home for the holiday, then by all means do so. Don’t fall into guilt. Yes, life has a way of pulling us along, but it doesn’t mean we are moving on without our loved ones. We carry their memories in our hearts.
Make time for self-care
Don’t lose yourself in a sea of to-do lists. Remember, it is the first year and it will definitely feel different that the previous years. Make time to exercise and eat healthy. Go for a walk and keep yourself hydrated. Avoid alcohol and try your best to nix bad habits. Write a journal to put your feelings into words. It will help alleviate stress and improve your mood.
One way to step out of your emotional brain and turning on your thinking brain is to shift your focus to what you’re eating. Ensure that you have a proper nutrition schedule and stick with it as much as possible. Eat protein every two or three hours to stabilize your blood sugar throughout the day. Protein can boost serotonin and dopamine levels in the brain and makes you feel good.
Take care of yourself so you can slowly return to normal.
Donate time and money
Reach out to local charities and see if they need help. If so, donate your time. The objective is not to entirely lose yourself into work because that is not healthy either. It is important to face your grief and acknowledge the loss of your loved one in order to come to terms with it. But reaching out to help others brings a deep sense of joy and fulfillment. Donate money to those in need. Give out gifts to little ones. Offer to make and drop off decorations at a nursing home. Whatever you do, remember to wholeheartedly invoke the memory of the one who has passed on. The truth is we all have to go one day. Let’s make the most of our time here by spending it with purpose.
Keep your visit short
It is best to stay home and virtually meet up with family. Plan ahead and let them know that you will be keeping your ‘visit’ short. The same advice will apply if you plan on seeing them in person while adhering to safe social distancing rules. Drive yourself to the event so you can leave if you start to feel overwhelmed. If the host has advance notice that you will not stick around the entire time, it will be easy to conclude your visit without feeling bad about it.
Indulge in activities that bring tranquility
Plan ahead so you can gain some control over how you will spend your day, when home. When I’m struggling with my emotions, I cook. Read about how cooking is helping me heal, here. I also manage my troubled mind by cleaning my house. I find straightening up things therapeutic because clutter overwhelms me. Perhaps you enjoy painting, like I do. You can pick up this kit to keep you busy. I have several of them because it helps me pass time when time feels like it has come to a standstill. Putting together puzzles is another hobby I joyfully partake in. If nothing else, you can plan a holiday movie marathon to get you through the day. Find what you enjoy and lose yourself in it. Hopefully, it will bring you some peace.
Keep an open mind
Life has a way of surprising us. Sometimes, the things we dread turn out to not be dreadful at all. Sometimes, going with the flow makes sense. It is very possible for the big day to wind down peacefully because anticipation of pain may not equate what actually is experienced. One can always retreat to a place of solitude now and then to catch a breath. If you simply cannot handle it, then forego the first holiday. But it is best not to wallow entirely in grief by canceling the holiday and shutting the world out.
A part of us dies when a loved one passes away and, let’s be honest, that part is permanently gone. Conversely, there is also a part that remains alive. We can decide to keep our loved one’s memories alive within that piece. Encountering the holidays, no matter how uncomfortable the experience, is very much part of the grieving process. Allow yourself the grace to power through it in order to heal.
In conclusion, grief has its own timeline and we all experience it in a very personal manner. How one person reacts to heartbreak might very well be different from the other. Allow yourself to process grief your way.
Grief does not follow a linear pattern either. It intensifies at the most unexpected times too. Go with the flow instead of challenging your emotions or yourself to move on. Don’t put added pressure on yourself to let things go. Experience the pain so that someday you will be able to come to terms with it.
Above all, listen to your heart. Make sure to seek professional help from someone who specializes in grief and loss if your emotions are unremitting.
Here’s a book to pick up that will help you further:
James Miller, How Will I Get Through the Holidays? Twelve Ideas for Those Whose Loved One Has Died
As mentioned above, grief ebbs and flows. If you are experiencing suicidal ideations, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text GO to 741741 to reach a trained Crisis Counselor through the Crisis Text Line. The call is free and confidential and counseling is available 24/7.
Leave a Reply