Last week, I dropped my kids off to school and drove to Hawkeye Community College to hear Kirk Smalley speak. Even though I had arrived a good forty-five minutes early, the parking spots closest to Tama Hall were all occupied. Clearly, I was not the only one eager to listen to a man who had lost his eleven-year old son, Ty Field, to suicide in 2010.
I walked into the auditorium and felt grateful for the warmth after braving the bitter chill that is typical of December mornings, here in Iowa. There were various banners affixed to walls that mentioned the organization, Stand for the Silent. The nonprofit was started in 2010 by a group of sixty-eight high school students in Oklahoma City after they heard of Ty’s suicide. Their mission is to educate the public about combating bullying so that other parents don’t lose their children to such tragedies.
As I took a seat, I noticed Kirk Smalley sitting on the stage. He was wearing a simple pair of blue jeans and a white t-shirt. Prior to attending the event, I had done some homework to understand his journey. For a man who has been featured on news networks such as CNN, you would not sense even a trace of arrogance. He might look and act like a regular guy but he is far from ordinary. Smalley is truly committed to the mission of making sure that his anti-bullying message is heard far and wide so no family ever has to suffer the magnitude of pain he and wife, Laura, have endured for well over seven years.
“Two thousand seven hundred and sixty four days ago, my only child took his own life!” spoke Smalley, his voice breaking. “My precious son had every right to live!”
Ty had been suspended after retaliating against a fellow-student who had bullied him for over two years. Kirk was a construction worker. His wife, Laura, took a job at the same school Ty attended. “They were best friends, my wife and son,” shared Kirk. “She worked at the school so she could be by him during the day as much as possible.”
Laura discovered Ty’s body in May of 2010. He had shot himself after school. “I had left for work at 4 a.m. that morning,” said Smalley. “Around mid-day, I received a phone call from my wife. She was screaming… ‘He’s dead,’ she shouted hysterically. Our
entire world came crashing down.”
The three-day suspension from school was a tipping point for young Ty Smalley. After his suicide, the bully was suspended for only one day. That was the extent of the aggressor’s punishment.
I looked around and saw several hands rise in support, signaling the universal symbol of love. I, too, raised my hand. I thought about my children who were in school. My thoughts returned to this gentleman who was walking through the aisles, speaking to any child who looked back.
“One month and seven days after Ty passed away, it was Father’s Day,” said Smalley as his voice quivered. “I promised my son I would end the bullying epidemic. But sometimes I feel as if I cannot keep that promise to my son. I know I can’t do this alone. I need your help.”
Prior to and after every talk, Kirk stands up-close and whispers inaudibly to his son’s portrait. He told me that he has that private talk with his son at every event. “I ask my boy to give me strength and courage to continue doing what I do.”
My heart broke as I heard this man speak so simply and with such poise.
“I’m not a speaker,” he said. “I’m speaking to you in the form of a dad who no longer has a son… I don’t want anyone amongst you to end up like my boy. I don’t want anyone amongst you to walk out of here thinking it is okay to bully. My son would’ve been eighteen now. Instead, he will always remain eleven.”
The student leaders begin each event by introducing the audience to young men and women who have taken their lives as a result of bullying. Their portraits are situated on easels for all to see. “It is important to add a face to this issue in order for people to truly comprehend the magnitude of the problem,” stated Smalley. “These children did not die in vain. We must never forget them. People need to know their stories so they can develop empathy and put an end to bullying.”
Since Ty’s demise, Kirk and Laura Smalley have traveled to over a thousand schools and spoken to over one million children. They have been to nine countries including Australia, Ireland, Wales, and India and have set up Stand for the Silent chapters in eighteen countries so far. The couple has campaigned tirelessly to put an end to bullying. And they’ve succeeded in their efforts. Their talks have had and continue to have a profound impact on listeners. “We receive messages from thousands of students and their parents throughout the year, telling us that we have made a difference in their lives,” revealed Smalley.
He sent me an entire document full of testimonials from students and their families, thanking him for speaking and creating awareness. One student wrote: “I used to get bullied a lot at school and sometimes I still do, but I just move on. I have thought about what would happen if I committed suicide and it’s not good. It would hurt others more than it would hurt me. I realized how many people love me and thought what reason do I have to do this to myself? Because of your program I have helped others get through bullying and have even saved lives.”
If asked, the couple is always open to meeting victims’ families. They are eager to talk to anyone no matter where they are from. “I have spoken anywhere that I am invited,” stated Smalley. “I’ve spoken at faith-based schools (Christian and Jewish), Native American reservations, churches and even prisons. I’ve been asked by people of all faiths and colors to come speak to them. The truth is we all have faced bullying at some point in our lives regardless of who we are.”
Kirk Smalley always offers statistics in order to convince audiences about the gravity of the issue. “Fifty-five thousand children have committed suicide thus far as a result of being bullied,” revealed Smalley. “The youngest victim was six-year old Matthew… Nine-year old Montana hung himself with a belt in the nurse’s bathroom… He felt helpless. Nobody believed that he was being abused. They all misunderstood him. They could not see the pain inflicted upon him. They missed all the signs. You see, bullies know when to attack. They do it when the teacher is not looking. That’s what the bully did to my son, Ty. Ty fought back and that is what the teacher saw.”
Every seven seconds a child is abused physically, emotionally, and/or verbally. “In the amount of time it takes me to say that sentence, someone is picked on,” stated Smalley. “I hope you will think about this the next time you sit back and watch a bully and do absolutely nothing to help a victim!”
In the United States alone, suicide is the second leading cause of death in the 10-24 year age range. “That is second only to car wrecks,” explained Smalley. “One in four kids will think of suicide at least once in their lifetime and will actually come up with a detailed plan about how they will take their own life before high school. It is that serious. Most people think suicide happens as a result of depression. That is not always true. My son was not depressed at all! He was laughing and joking the morning he took his own life.”
Kirk went on to display a book to the audience in which visitors at the funeral had inscribed their memories of little Ty.
One message from a classmate read, “I’ll always remember his laugh… it was the funniest laugh and it made me laugh too.”
Another classmate wrote: “Ty’s laughter and smile would change my day if I was having a bad day. He always had a kind word. I will never forget him.”
Said a note from one of his teachers, “He was such a friendly young guy. I was blessed to know him. He will never be forgotten.”
Kirk Smalley paused, wiped away tears and said softly, “My kid was always smiling.”
Bullied children tend to hide the abuse very well because they fear that if they talk about it, things will get worse. They also know that no one will have the courage to either believe them or come to their defense. Kirk urged the audience to change that. “The day after my baby killed himself, kids were actually telling jokes about him in school,” stated Smalley. “His best friend Tray heard the jokes. He defended Ty and got beat up.”
Tray was brave enough to stand up for him but many children are afraid that they, too, will become victims of bullying if they say anything. Hence, they stay silent.
“You can make this stop,” said Smalley as he took a little girl’s hand into his. She wept as he gently told her, “You are the only one who can make this stop. Your school cannot do it. They might support you or discourage children from bullying, but they cannot stop it. You can! You all can!”
The sixty-eight high school kids from Oklahoma who started Stand for the Silence come from all walks of life. “They are red, yellow, black, and white,” exclaimed Smalley. “They have one thing in common… that is, to treat each other with love and respect. We need to learn tolerance for differences so we can be the difference in someone else’s life. Be the one to go to that new kid in town, or the different one… the one everyone is picking on and offer a hand in friendship. Be somebody’s hero. Change somebody’s whole world.”
Nowadays, tackling the issue of bullying has become more complicated with the popularity of social media. A bully can easily send threatening messages to a victim at any time of day or night. Parents and loved ones should monitor social media accounts to ensure the safety of their children. Other kids who might be privy to the abuse should also step up and bring attention to the matter before it is too late.
“You are somebody!” exclaimed Smalley as he looked a child in the eye and handed out a wristband inscribed with those very words.
Shortly after Kirk and Laura Smalley first started their speaking engagements, former President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama invited the couple to the White House and signed the pledge card that is handed out at the conclusion of every event. Justin Bieber contacted him next. It didn’t stop there. “The WWE wrestler, Big Show, attended my talk and cried like a baby during the presentation,” winked Smalley as the audience erupted into laughter. “His wrists are huge. He cannot wear the wristband… but he did sign the pledge card!”
Kirk Smalley went on to talk about how Lady Gaga’s agent dialed his phone number, one day. “My wife Laura placed her hand on the phone and whispered ‘Lady Gaga wants to talk to you!’… I asked ‘who is this Lady Gaga?’ She shrugged her shoulders. I quickly Googled her and, trust me, I am not that great with computers… You see we listen to country music. I’m a construction worker, for Pete’s sake!”
Lady Gaga pledged support. “She told us she was starting a new foundation at Harvard… in Boston,” added Smalley. “She was planning to name it ‘Born This Way’ and invited us to help inaugurate… Did you know she wears meat for clothes?”
Kirk Smalley informed the kids about Humanity Rising, an organization that gives out scholarships to students for participating in community service projects. If you’re aged thirteen and older, you can visit their website and sign up for the student leadership challenge. “You can do multiple projects and accumulate a thousand dollars for each completed project,” stated Smalley. “That’s an excellent way to save for college… and to stay out of trouble.”
I was incredibly touched by the selfless manner in which the Smalleys travel around the globe and create change despite their grief. Their dedication to honoring Ty’s memory and preventing further tragedies from taking place keeps them going.
“There are three kinds of people in this world,” stated Smalley. “Those who wish for things to happen; those who make things happen; and those who sit around and wonder what just happened. Which one are you going to be?”
To learn more about intervention strategies, or to host a presentation at your school, please visit https://standforthesilent.org
Yvette says
a very well-written piece. Wow.
Seema Khan says
Thank you, Yvette, for the encouraging words. I tried to do justice to this gentleman’s incredible journey.
Shannon Dewease says
I am moved to tears! So insightful and touching. I had to share on my Facebook and Twitter. Thank you for putting this out to us!
Seema Khan says
Thank you so much for your comment, Shannon. It was the most moving event I’d been to in a while. Bullying is a serious issue. To see this incredible man rise above his grief and teach others tolerance left me in awe.